~workinprogress~ (gwenefurr) wrote,

2 uncles and a heart attack

I haven't felt much like journaling lately.
My dad had a minor heart attack last week and I have been at his house keeping him company all week.

One of my favorite uncles, who I just started to get to know the past few years- passed away recently. He found out the beginning of February he had pancreatic cancer and he died on Feb. 28.

Then the day before his rememberance, another uncle died. But he was elderly and sick for a long time, and not a nice person anyways. I don't really feel sad for him, but sort of happy in a way for his wife -who he tormented endlessly for the duration of their marriage. I do feel sad for her, even though he was so horrible to her all those years, (including alienating her from her own children and grandchildren)- now she is alone, and I am sure to have spent so long with such a person, she must have loved him very much. Ahh. the pain in love. We def. do not pick whom we fall in love with... Sometimes I wish we could, we could pick some one we are compatible with and say to ourselves- "he's the one- I am going to fall in love with him- my family likes him, he is a good person..." but life doesn't work that way.
The world knows it never works like that for me.
I always someone find people who are INCAPABLE of loving... being honest.... being genuine.

All these things that happen make you think. Mostly I lay in bed not able to sleep, thinking what if my dad died... then I actually go through thoughts of how I would dispose of his furniture after he died... why??? I guess thinking rational things like, who should I call first, where should he buried, I guess it calms me, being rational...'

My favorite uncle- I feel so sorry for his wife. I was just thinking one day (the day before my cousin's 21st bday party that I would see my uncle the last time and his wife..) how that she is my favorite auntie ... the one I look for when I show up to family events. I always feel loved, and listened to, when we are together, and calm.. There are 7 sisters and brothers, and then add on wives and husbands and kids. I have like 30 family members at one event to talk to sometimes... it can get very... claustrophobic! I have to go hide after a few hours, being around that many people at a time and so many conversations going on at once, makes me sort of dizzy...
I feel so bad for her. My favorite auntie, and favorite uncle- they truly were so much in love. I don't think I ever have seen such a great love. They were inseparable. True soulmates.

I can't ever imagine finding my soulmate and losing him like that.
They have only been together since about 1988. She had some kind of cancer first, and he helped her through it. He was a firm believer in herbal medicines, and used various things at the same time she went through chemo.

I really don't know how I feel right now, and I keep rambling, hoping it will help.. I feel blocked. sort of like I am just going through the motions everyday. You would think I would be jumping out of bed everyday to go see what the world has for me to experience. But I just feel so tired. I can't sleep at night... I don't know why I am so sad. I am not really that close to my dad. I think he tries, and that he loves me, but it is so hard to tell... He is so unemotional and guarded. He is 70 and has had bladder cancer for about 6 years now. He had a long life... And the mean uncle, well I don't feel sad about him. Maybe I feel very sad because of -not that my uncle died, he had such a HAPPY very full life, but more I feel sad for my aunt who has to spend the rest of her life without him.

Writing about it didn't really make me feel better.

It just makes me think of regrets in my life.
I don't have many, most of them are things I can't help.
I don't regret making certain choices, mostly I regret how other people act... Can someone regret that?
I am sorry other people are cruel.
I haven't really done that much that I consider to be cruel to others... I have never cheated on a boyfriend, or stolen a friends lover...I try to always treat others as I want to be treated... with love, respect, understanding...
Mostly I regret other peoples' dishonesty.
Why can't people be more honest about who they are and what they want from you??
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